The possibilities are endless.

How is it that I am able to give great advice to other people, but cant seem to attack my own problems.  You know, it really should not be that difficult.  I know what I need to do.  I know how great the results will be, and that those results are exactly the outcome I want.  I can see the steps to do it, and even how to get started, but I havent done anything about it.  I know how to make people happy, and am excellent at cheering up people who are overwhelmed and frustrated, but am incapapable of doing the same thing for myself and I dont know why.  I know I am worth the effort, so what the hell?  What is so important that I continuously push these things to the back burner?   I keep searching for instant gratification instead of working for some real satisfaction.  Maybe something will be revealed to my consious mind this weekend at the Beltain celebration.  The answer is there, its just temporarily covered up.

I had such a beautiful weekend, soaking in the rays.  When I was indoors, I was sleeping for the most part.  Otherwise I was outside, sitting, relaxing, played some bad minton, it was so much fun.  Now I am sitting in my dark office, I feel like I should be asleep.  Indoors = sleep

Through various conversations and readings with people this weekend, I have come away with some homework.  These are things I knew I had to work on before, but have now become more prevalent and pressing issues.  Things like, my lack of confidence in the solidity of my relationships with other people as well as confidence in my own power.  Things such as these.  Things that dont trouble me when I am around people, but pop up the minute I turn away from them.  Its really a pain in the ass.  I get so annoyed with myself sometimes for doing these things to myself.  GRRR.

For the past three days, I have woken to the heinous squawking of what I can only guess is some sort of mocking bird.  They begin at the crack of dawn and will not cease!

Today as I was rising, eye twitching to the same sounds as the past few days, I had this fantastic vision of pulling the covers off to reveal a shot gun, caulking it back, firing out the window, waiting for that satisfying squeek and puff of feathers, and then turning over to go back to sleep.

Now, I haven’t read To Kill a Mocking Bird in quite sometime, so I cant seem to remember what the point of calling the book that was.  Was there something morally wrong about killing mocking birds?  If so, I must know what the consquences of my actions would be if my fantastic vision turned out to be prophetic.

Question of the day is…

Why cant you tickle yourself?

“Much to the dismay of wacky masochist everywhere, the human brain is wired against self-tickling. Because the brain controls movement, it knows what your hand is going to do before you do it. Thus it anticipates the exact force, location, and speed of the tickle and uses that information to desensitize you to your own roving hands.

So why do we have a tickle response anyway? Turns out, it’s a defense reaction meant to alert our cave-dwelling ancestors to creepy crawlies that didn’t know their place, and the uncontrollable laughing fit that goes along with it is actually a panic response.

Even if you know someone else is about to go for your rib cage, it’s hard to turn the response off because a) your brain can’t anticipate exactly how and where they’ll tickle you and b) knowing someone is about to tickle you is usually enough to keep those panic receptors open and ready to go.”

This is important information.  I have alwasy wanted to know why you cant tickle yourself.  This is also in fact a lie, because call me a freak, but I can tickle myself… dont ask.

As I sit in my cage at work, listening to the instrumental soundtrack to Disney’s Cinderella (I’m sure my officemate loves me!) crunching away at numbers I ask myself…. why dont I work in a bakery somewhere making yummies all day, or at a doggie day care anymore playing with puppies all day.  Man, this is lame.

Who is good at editing resumes?  I need someone to help me look fabulous.

So, they moved my desk at work so that I am sharing an actual office with a co-worker on the 4th floor instead of the 5th floor with the rest of the cubicle gofers.  I can no longer see a window to the outside, however I face a window to the hallway.  Since the lights are not working correctly in the office, I have to leave the blinds open for the hallway lights and I feel like a zoo animal.  Everyone who walks by looks at what I’m doing.  On co-worker in particular likes to tap on the glass and make stupid sounds at me.  So I have decided that the next time this happens, I will act the part and throw things at him…

On the plus side, I can play music without needing head phones on, and my office mate does not mind if I sing or hum along.  This will be much better.

It is now time to travel on home and see if my roommate is still tripping balls on H.B Woodrose seeds, and try to have a little house meeting before my mother is in town. 

Speaking of home life.  Apparently my other dog (the one that did not die) has Leukemia.   The vet says anywhere from a day to 4 or 5 months, but who knows.  So I cried my eyes out at lunch.  This is supposed to be a good thing though.  Free WIll astrology says that I should cry and sob as much as possible this week, because the more I cry, the smarter I get.  Is this true?  We shall see, but Im off to a good start.  I shall be a genious by the time the week is up.

I think we will take a trip to the Humane society on Monday and see about adopting a Cat for the house.  Carm wants one for the herb shop, so maybe we can a twofer discount.

Yay! Lara is updating her blog.

While waiting for my report to run for the 6th time today, I thought I would take a moment and remove some things from my head.  Much like Dumbledore and the Pensieve.  Man I wish I had one of those.

My roomates and I threw a house warming party this weekend.  It was awesome, lots of people came.  As silly as it may sound, I feel like it all of those people showing up fulfilled my need for validation in my friendships.  I love my new apt, and my new roomates.  I love my window lined bedroom and hardwood floors.  There is nothing that doesnt feel right in the whole place.  Needless to say, there will be more soirees in the future.  I was slightely saddened that a few people didnt come though.  No Bunny or mrs Bunny, No wisegoddess (her mormons are in town), no Bobby Brady, and a few others who were too tired or busy or something of the sort. 

I started school again.  Im taking Spanish 203 which is second year third term.  We are not allowed to speak english in the class at all.  Its kind of intense, but I think it will be alright.  I just need to brush up on my vocabulary and practice more.

My attempt at quitting some not so healthy habits has failed miserably.  After a short breather, I will try again.  Then of course I get the Yoda in my brain saying, No, Do or do not. There is no try.  However I dont know if I CAN do, so Try is the best alternative at this point.  It has been the most debaucherous of weekends.  I am tisking myself as I type.

My Mommy will be here Friday night to visit for the weekend.  In her delightful ignorance (my mother is completely oblivious to the drug culture), she chose the 4/20 weekend to visit Portland, however I am still excited to see her and show her around all of my usual places.  I want to take her to the herb shop because she is very treatable.  We shall have dessert at Pix, and go to Saturday market and the Farmers market, AND there is a Pirate Scavenger Hunt on Hawthorne this Saturday, hosted by the Dollar Scholar.  Essential Elements will be a participating store so it should be lots of fun.  I never turn down the opportunity to dress like a pirate.  Speaking of Essential Elements!  I will be selling my yummy baked goods there on the weekends.  We have started vendor sales out on the patio on weekends, and so myself along with other artists, crafters, intuitive readers and such set up tables there.  We now have fantastic patio furniture, so you can enjoy your tea out in the sunshine.  We are also having a free concert this Saturday as well!! Its this great solo british guy.  I hope people come to check it out.

Hmmmm…. I have lots of work to do, so I think that is all for now.

Really its a love hate relationship, but with the right ingredients, cooking and eating is so much fun!  All in moderation of course. 

If anyone knows of someone selling a bike, or air brush compressor… please let me know.  Im in the market for both of them.

I am toying with the idea of changing my school path to alternative medicine?? maybe.  I am really liking learnng the herbs.  I am super interested in learning other healthy and healing practices.  More research is needed, but im excited about it.

Maybe its the lack of sleep, the over stressing about work, too much unhealthy activity, who knows.  I woke up this morning, and was really apathetic to just about everything.  It concerned me for a moment, that I was not excited about anything for once.  Soon I didnt care that it concerned me anymore.  I think I’m just tired.  Sleep would be nice, but I have to work tomorrow.  LAME

So the choice is in motion.  I will be quitting my job soon.  I need to find other means of income, and health insurance first, but it will happen.  No ones best is good enough for the place I am at now, what kind of moral is that supposed to encourage?

These decisions came up today, while walking and thinking as usual.  Im not excited about it, Im not anxious about it.  I am pretty much just accepting that it is what it is.  Its not good, or bad.  It just is.

You could have at lease warned me about what it would be that I would have to make a clear decision on.  That was just plain mean.

Yesterday was supposed to be my day to catch up.  Catch up on sleep, laundry, cleaning the apt, herb homework, and planning for my immediate future.  Did any of that happen? NO!  I woke up before my alarm because I had forgotten to close my blinds all the way the night before, and beautiful rays of sunshine were glaring at me through the half cracked blinds screaming WAKE UP!!!!!  Slightly annoyed by mother nature and her glorious rays, but mostly appretiative, I layed in bed for another 15 minutes going in circles in my head about whether or not I was going to go into work on my day off.  I knew I had alot of work to do, and if I didnt go in I would totally stress about it the next day…. but it was my day off… and I really didnt want to go in, I wanted to enjoy the beautiful day.  Since this is me we are talking about… what else was there to do?  I pulled a goddess card.  Well, Rhiannon came flying out of the deck before I had even finished shuffling.  “Make a clear decision” she said.  Make your intentions clear, and stand by what you choose.  Whichever your path is, you will be protected.

… OK, Il go to work.  Two hours into reconciling statements, and greatly annoyed by the bee that was continuously flying into the window right behind me, I cleaned up my desk and left.

Lunch at the cafe, the usual.  Bunny throwing stale bread at people, and launching chocolate muffins from a fork.  A wonderful walk to the Village Merchants, and back home, then on to the herb shop.

After sitting there for about an hour, I get a call from my mother, who at my request, took my cocker spaniel into the vet.  He was doing this wheezing cough, and thought he probably had fluid in his lungs.   Turns out, I was right.  She was calling to make sure I thought it was the right thing to put him down. Thank you Rhiannon. 

So yes, my puppy died.  I got him for my birthday when I was 9, he has been my best friend ever since.  I cried for a few minutes, pulled myself together enough to walk back inside, and then made cookies.

Sad ending to an otherwise not so bad day.  But I am focusing my intentions.  I realized that yes I can do it all, I just cant do it all at the same time.  Prioritizing is next on the list.

And my mind is ticking away, I am going to bullet point the notworthy thoughts of the day.

• I enjoy learning or just observing other people’s routines.  Knowing even the most minute details of such things factor into a multitude of other things. For instance, performing small thoughtful acts of kindness such as dropping by to see someone when you know they are working, or leaving a message when someone is in class so that they have something to smile about when they are out.
• Putting sliced Cucumber in a glass of ice water makes drinking your daily allotment of agua a delightful and elegant matter.
• I talked to my sister on the phone for over an hour yesterday, and not once did she sound bored or annoyed by me.  Progress.
• The power of human contact is infinite.  A high five in the hallway is better than a years worth of elevator small talk.
• These little red itchy bumps on the side of my pinky finger are driving me nuts!
• Leaving work is awesome.