I forgot to burn guilt.

A couple of months ago, I went out for lunch with a yoga student from work.  It seems as though he enjoys asking people random ethical questions, but somewhere down the digressed conversation line we ended up talking about guilt.  And I was struck by this realization that I have an issue with guilt.  The sushi was gone and I ended up staring off into the far reaches of space until he asked, “Do you not want to talk about this anymore?”  No, not so much. 

I have been struggling with the idea of having self worth issues.  I was being told from all angles ,”you need to know your self worth Lara” or “you have some self worth issues to work out”  or ” it sounds like this is a matter of a distorted self worth”.

Sorry friends, that’s not it at all.  I am very much aware of my self worth.  I know who and what I am, and that I am pretty much invaluable.  I don’t however, treat myself accordingly, and therein lies the problem.  I don’t really take care of myself.  Not physically, not emotionally, not really even spiritually.  And the guilt that comes along with not doing all of the things I “should” be doing is enormous.   I also tend to feel a strong responsibility or obligation towards action in situations that don’t even involve me.  For instance, I have a roommate who is short on funds because her hours were cut back at work.  I feel bad for letting her by me a drink the other night.  I feel bad that I haven’t tried to help her find another job.  I could go on and on and on.

So now I am toying with a new idea.  Its difficult for me to grasp, but maybe, just maybe ….. everything is not my fault.   Ooooh my.  If I could somehow detach myself from these feelings of responsibility, oooh how light I would feel.  I am torn though.  I cant get rid of all attachment.  That would mean ignoring the natural empathy and compassion I feel for others, which I admit causes some guilt on my part as well.  I need to learn how to separate.  How can I feel compassion and empathy for others without piling guilt on my shoulders for the situations that they are in?  My acupuncturist boss keeps telling me “don’t feel your clients pain”.  In other words, you can heal and help without taking their problems on to you.  How to do this though….. I’m not sure.

Oh right, and the point of the posting title….  I had a Cleansing ritual at the house last night.  It went swimmingly.  I have people write down everything they dont require to have in their heads anymore.  Negative energy, bad thoughts, things that no longer serve you.  Its a Negativity burning ritual.  Well, I filled up an entire sheet of paper, tore it up and burned it away.  I forgot however to burn guilt.

I was born by the river.

I am at that point right now, where I feel like there is something just around the corner.  Just around the riverbend!

I keep circling with ideas and thoughts and then there is something else.  Something else that is just lingering behind a blind corner somewhere in the depths of my mind.  I dont know what it is, but I do know that it is going to effect whatever path I choose to walk down.  Some awakening, epiphany or realization that one of these days is going to jump out from behind that blind corner and go BOO!  Now heres what you gotta do.  Do it!

Feeling banana-y, not peachy

Newest revelation.

I think I would like to change my focus in school to Social Sciences with a minor in Physical and Health Science.  I am looking for all possible ways to get finacial aid so that I can go back to school FULL TIME this time, work maybe 20 hours a week, apply for food stamps, and get my degree finally.  Social Sciences will open me up to all kinds of Occupational Therapy.  Music therapy, Animal Therapy, Energy work clinics, I can expand into Herbalism, and I think this will be the best option for the path I want to take.  I also discovered that a  bunch of the classes needed for the major will apply to the physical health science minor.  AND PSU offers FENCING!  I want to take sword fighting and have it apply to a degree.  Thats awesome.

In other news, I need a good book to read.  Any suggestions would be fantastic.

This year I aim to gain Nourishment

And so I write myself a letter.

Dearest Lara,

Above all else, I wish for you to feel the energy of life, of love, of everything beautiful.  Feel it pulse through you, and radiate with it.  Let it shine through your eyes, and smile knowing that each ray that kisses the face of someone else will pass on that nirvana.  It is why you are here.

Love forever,

Yourself

I aim to find nourishment in the following:

Food

- go grocery shopping, cook new foods, use cook books, bake, expand knoweldge and use of herbs and spices, try to eat 3  meals a day, take vitmins and herbs

In action

-Throw dinner parties, have people over for movies and games, keep the house clean, redecorate, take time for Lara, Go out to see music, go on excurtions, take little trips out of the city

In self improvement

-Dress and look like I feel epic, Take more yoga, quit smoking, listen to my body, take more bubble baths, drink more tea, and less alcohol

In Sensuality

- Dance, Drink wine and eat chocolate, go to PIX, Go to the theater, share the sensual Lara with more people, Love yourself!, get excited, cry at beauty, take long walks, go to the coast… alone.

Thats the plan.

So I have been wondering…

Is it true that the doctor can never heal himself?

Disclaimer- In this post, you=me

I mean, we all know that it is SO much easier to give wonderful advise to others than it is to listen and follow those brilliant words yourself.  But it is possible isn’t it?  After all, the advise and words we give to others are usually based off of experiences we have had ourselves in the past, and what you think you would do if the same situation occurred in the future because of what has happened in the past.  That is how we have foundation and justification to give advise to others to begin with.  If you had no way to relate to the situation, what right to you have to be giving advise in the first place?  So I wonder than, where the missed connection lies in being able to take your own advise.  You know your words are valid, they come from the right place, and you truely believe that they can be of some help to whomever you give them to.  You can relate to that person on some level, giving you the ability to come up with valid suggestions or help, but maybe that’s it.  Maybe you cant bring yourself to the same level as that person, therefore your words are not valid for your situation.  When it comes to your life, its always “not quite the same” isn’t it?  You get so hung up on nit picky details so that you can be separated from everyone else.  Your situation is different, so no one can help you.  Ohhh woe is me!

DAMN YOU VICTIM IN THE 12th HOUSE!!!!

I suppose that’s why I have difficulty taking the advise of others as well.

Ok Lara, here is your challenge for the …. well, however long it takes you to fix yourself doctor.

When you give advise to others, apply it to yourself and use it.  Just for shits and giggles, and lets see what happens ok?  Perhaps you can try relating to others more.  You are just as human as anyone else. Minor technicalities make you no better or worse than anyone else.  Time to get off your high horse and join the human race.

PS: Eek!  That was crazy, did that all just come out of me? …. dude

Winter of Positive Manifestation

So… we had what was supposed to be the summer of love.  Which actually turned out to be the summer of false love.

We rolled on into what turned out to be the Autumn of Love (more or less, this is highly disputable)

As winter starts to creep its way in, I have deemed this coming season the winter of positive manifestation.

No, the seasons don’t need to labeled.  In fact its kind of silly and cliche to do so.

However when you put words to something that already is, that confirmation helps motivate and spur on the change that has already begun.  I know these past few months have completely turned things upside down and inside out for me, and I think the same has been true for many others.

Well, Mercury Retrograde has given us the time to think on this ginormous shift that has and still is occurring, and with reflection we can walk away with a plan.  A plan is step one towards manifesting what it is you most desire, or need.

Its time to start listing again.  WiseGoddess helped me see this with her 90 day challenge, however i had a difficult time with putting the idea of time barriers on things.  90 days was too much for somethings, and no where near enough for others.  These new lists, they are lifetime goals.  They are what I want now, what I have to do tomorrow, what I hope to happen in a year. These are business plans, creative ideas, what to wear tomorrow.  These are how much I love the people I am surrounded by, and how I deeply want to continue to bond and grow with them.

Write it down, get it out into the universe so that other perceptive beings will pick up on your receptive energies and be willing to give and help move you along towards the finish line.

Yay for positive manifestation, because I control my own happiness, and I choose to be in rapture.

Can you illuminate your beauty?

Well…. You must recognize its there first I suppose.  But natural beauty illuminates itself when contained in the heart of a happy person.  A truely happy person will glow from the inside out.  They turn heads wherever they go because of the energy radiating from them.  This person is complete in mind, body, and spirit, and unfortunately all but extinct these days.

But! In my head, in my own utopia, that person is me.  And right now, I could light up the sky.

Lets take it from the top!

Last night was ErintheAngels birthday.  We were sitting out on the porch with WiseGoddessAthena talking about our many epiphanies we have had in the past few days.

It was kind of amazing just sitting there and listen as the three of us all came to the same conclusions about all of our three completely different life situations.

 

We have all realized that the slate has been wiped clean.  We are free to do whatever we want!  The excess baggage that has bound us and cemented us to the floor has been cut loose and we are free to fly easy into the next era.

 

It feels pretty fantastic.

The opening.

I couldnt open it.  I couldnt find the latch, the lock.

Whatever mechanism was required to open these sacred doors.

It was hidden from me, or maybe I was just to blinded by anger to find it.

Angry at myself for the lack of compassion I held for anything.

Lack of compassion held primarily for myself, and in return, a hatred towards everything around.

Thing began to change.  Massive transformation.  A self-renaissance, a rebirth.

I knew there were such capablilities, enormous amounts of space in my heart, and in my head to hold love and compassion for anyone in need of it.  The potenital was there, the want was there, but I was unable to see the need.

Too stuck in the mindset that what I had to offer would be of no use or wanted by anyone else.

How foolish I was!  How selfish and rediculous it was of me to have wasted so much time and energy unable to beleive in my own self worth.  How many people had I looked past, people reaching out to me for compassion, for a confirmation of their own worth? 

This had to change.  I had to find a way to be able to open the channels of my heart.  I had had enough of empty hugs, of spending nights lying next to someone, unable to care who it was as long as it was a warm body, or wishing it was someone else.

I struggled, and struggled and waited, and then one day it happend.

 I was having coffee with a dear friend of mine.  We were talking about how frustrated and confused she was with her situations.  She was telling me how she did not know what to do and that she was beginning to doubt herself and her beliefs.  When she got up to leave we hugged.  I wanted so badly at that very moment for her to be able to jump into my heart, so she could feel how much I loved her, how amazing of a person I think she is.  I wanted her to feel that my compassion for her could do nothing but grow.

And WHOOSH, it opened.  My heart opened its doors and surrounded her with white light, with a love that requested nothing in return but acceptance. We sat there, locked in that embrace crying for what seemed like minutes, feeling like there was nothing else in the world but the exchanging of our energies at that time.

I have a lot of friends, and we are all hugging people.  It has been like that each and every time since.  I have harnessed the crying factor, but everything else remains the same.

I am growing into the very large shoes, built for the healer that I will eventually be.

Such a wonderful weekend!

I really and truly adore and am so grateful for my friends, and the family they have helped me create for myself.  Thank you guys  so much!