Yay!

I can file my taxes now, and use my tax returns to opend another savings account specifically for a travelling fund AND use it as a proof of residency for school.  Awesome.

And on that note, I think I may have come up with a design for my long anticipated body art.  Its time to get my name on the waiting list for the artist I have in mind.

More to come later, I have to clean my apt. 

Gummy Bear Tarot

I was telling people about my little amazon/powells spending spree that I had this month.  I thought it was over with, that I had recieved all that I had purchased and that I have now an overwhelming amount of new reading material to go through.  Well I guessed wrong!  I got another box in the mail today from amazon that has three more books in it.  One of them being my first Italian book to start.  I figure, if I can whisper sweet nothings in Italian, it will be that much more effective, and perhaps they wont pick up on how terrified I am to even be speaking  to them in the first place!  Or just maybe, that fear has finally subsided.  Also in the mail today, I got a package that contained holiday gifts from some friends back in California.  The gifts included a Piratology wall calendar, which is fucking amazing, and a deck of Gummy Bear Tarot Cards.  They are not made out of Gummy bears, their pictures are of gummy bears.  Its like your regular deck, but the people are gummys.  I dont really know what to make of them, but they are thoroughly ammusing.

By the way, I am super curious about these other red headed virgos now, and how I can use their destructive behaviors to benifit my situation.  Is that wrong of me?

Oh craigslist scrupels.

I emailed a guy today about an Air Compressor for my AirBrush.  The Compressor happens to be made by the same people as the brush, and it would be perfect.  New, these things run $200.  His add was for $45.  He emailed me back saying that some guy wants it already and offered him an extra $10 bucks to hang onto it until he gets paid on Friday.  He agreed to this, but…. if I wanted to give him $50, I could pick it up tomorrow.  Sorry buddy, im on a strict agenda.  I’ve got goals to make, and I can wait for your pay check either.

Thank you Craigslist.

Im going to meet the guy tomorrow, and pick up my compressor.  Yay!

Turns out there was still time.

I was dissapointed earlier in the day, that I hadn’t accomplished as many things off of my list as I had hoped to this past week.  When I left the cafe I realized there was still time left in the day.  I drove down to New Seasons to do some grocery shopping, and on the way back stopped at Urban Flora and bought two different, lovely varieties of Ferns.  I was told they do well in low light, and living in a basement I really have no other options.    But I like them, they are lively and make things feel a lot more warm.  After putting these darlings in the car, I took a walk up Division and stopped into the Village Merchants.  Its a second hand store, but they have all kinds of cool things.  I came across a whole bunch of tea pots.  Knowing that the Herb Lady was still needing some, I gave her a ring, and over the phone decided which ones she wanted.  I dropped them by afterwards, and stuck around for a long while helping clean up and put finishing touches on organizing shelves and whatnot.  Merchandising is fun.  It engages my right and left sides of the brain, with the combination of organization and creativity.

I spent both friday and saturday nights at other peoples houses, thereby avoiding the neighbor situation.  Then it occured to me (a touch late) that I pay a fairly high rent to live there, I have worked hard to make that space my own, and I am not going to be chased out of it anymore.  Damnit, stop giving your power away Lara!  On top of it all, I pulled Vesta from my goddess deck last night.  Vesta is the goddess of Hearth, Home and Family, according to Roman mythology.  Her message being this.  “Your household situation is improving, either through a move, or a healthy change in the occupants.”  Well I’m not going anywhere, but they are moving out in two weeks.  I can stick it out.

I am looking for a few things.  I need to get a small Air Compressor, a small dry erase board, and a cheap easel.

I am saving money right now.  Moving in June will cost first and last months rent most likely, cost of a piano mover, and the cost of moving the other large pieces of furniture (unless there is someone with a truck that would be willing to help).  I suppose I have some time to figure those details out.

And now, I am taking my book, and settling in for a nice hot bubble bath.

EEK!

My creative outlets are blocked!  Its 9:30 at night and all I really want to do right now, is play my Fife, but its loud and shrilling, and there are others currently sleeping in the house.  I took my clarinet out today, for the first time since May.  It was awesome, and now I need to find and instrument repair shop, because It needs a thorough cleaning and recorking.  Dont we all.  I emailed a man about obtaining his Air Compressor for $25.  Once I have that in hand, I will airbrush everything I can touch.  Its just watercolor, it will come off.   Until then though, im still blocked.  I would love to be able to just sit and draw.  But when I take the pad out, I end up sitting there, thinking of what to draw instead of actually doing it.

List of things to do this week.

• Make doctors appt.
• Pay bills
• Fill out papers for Oregon License plates and Drivers liscense.
• Start new art project.
• Collect items for vision board.
• Play the Piano.
• Find instrument repair shop.
• Get a plant.
• Study up on Herbs 

Which reminds me.  I am volunteering at a new Herbal shop/tea room/Metaphysical/ Magik shop that is opening in a week on Hawthorn.  The woman who owns it is exchanging time volunteered for lessons in Herbology and anything else she can teach.  Perks will include, free herbs (any of her HUGE selection), large discount on all other merchandise and services, and time in a really cool shop, meeting really cool, like minded people!  Im really excited about it.  I met her tonight, she is an amazing woman, and I am returning on Thursday to assist in set up.  I will probably be there for a while over the weekend too, since it looks like she has much to do, and little time to do it in.

I am expecting two packages of goodies in the mail this week as well.  A holiday gift from friends, and a box of things my mother found for me at the California gift show.  This is a spectacular wholesaler trade show that comes to the Anaheim convention center once a year, and if you have or have ever had a Tax ID number in the state of california, you can register for it and go!  My family has been going for over 10 years now, so we are signed up automatically.  Lots of jewlery, scarves and other goodies are on their way. Including a bottle of my favorite Half sour dill pickles that I cant find anywhere in this town because there are no Jews here.  Portland’s idea of good pickles are pre-sliced Claussens.  My adorable hungarian grandmother would be turning in her grave if she knew.  The eastern europeans pickle everything.  Ive even had pickled watermelon.  Not my favorite.

One more thing before I snuggle into bed with my trashy vampire novel.  R.I.P Heath Ledger.  I was so sad when I found out, I had to leave work.  He was named after Heathcliff from Emily Bronte’s Wuthering Heights.  I dont know who would name their child after that character though.  He was a feind, and a horribly tradgic character.

Study up on Herbs. 

We have much work to do.

We exposed the root of the problems tonight.  There is so much to say about it, and its late.  Now the tears start to flow, and I cant formulate the sentences required to explain to myself what it is I am feeling.  Is it dissapointment?  In who/what?  Part of it is fear.  I dont know what lies ahead of me, and I am terrified of taking a step forward.  I have to do some serious thinking.  I have to put the books away, that I have been hiding in for the past week or so.  They were right, I need to put my energy into creative outlets to let the thoughts flow.

I am preping myself for work tomorrow because I know its going to be a difficult day to get through.  I know what I need to be doing to heal myself right now, and being at work, doing that work, is not on the agenda, but it has to be done. 

Its taken a while, but I can allow it now.  I am the one crying out for help.  It is my turn to rescue myself.   I need to turn my light work inwards for a while.  The world will have to get along without me, because I have much work to do.

Forgot to title post

It was suggested to me, that I should buy, or plant a plant, and keep it alive before I attempt to have a pet.  Granted this is advice they give to addicts freshly released from rehab, but it is still good advice I think.  So tomorrow I will take a trip to Portland Nursery, find a plant that will survive inside a relatively dark apartment, and begin my task of proving myself able to care for another living thing.  Interestingly enough, it was suggested by the same person who threw me into an emotional breakdown by telling me he was disappointed that I was not going to school this term.  Also the same person who suggested I try the box of cigarettes I have right now.  Usually, my response to others suggestions is a “thanks, I will keep that in mind”.  This person seems to have a strangely strong influence on me, from the music I have been listening to, to the activities I choose to do after work and on weekends.  Food for thought I guess.

I am steeling a friends idea of learning a language through reading its literature.  Since learning Italian is on my list of goals, I have purchased an Italian dictionary, and book written in Italian (not translated into).  While in the foreign language section of Powell’s, I notice something spectacular.  They have Harry Potter in Latin.    Epic.

On the list of languages to learn, Latin is right under Italian.  Others include Irish/Gaelic, Russian, Hungarian, and Portuguese.  I prefer to lean towards the overly ambitious side, since they are my own goals.  If I want to be an over achiever for myself, I will be.

Oh yes and one more thing.  Benedict shooters.  They must be documented somewhere, because they will be the future of fast food breakfast.  And I don’t mean fast food  like crap MacDonald’s, Wendy’s, Taco Bell etc.  I mean like meals that are fast to make/buy… and delicious!

She will be loved.

Tonight I go to bed fairly assured that I am a part of something that expands beyond the walls of my little apartment.  I fall asleep knowing that there are people who care about me, who want me to be happy, who enjoy my company, who willingly hold conversation with me, who request my presence.  And yet, I get the feeling that come another day, I will still be needing that reassurance that all of the mentioned items are still there, were ever there to begin with, and are real.  Does the need for reassurance ever go away?  Is there a place, a common ground where I can feel confidant that these things are solid?  They feel real enough now, so why second guess them at all?   Is it my need to be needed that is like a magnet for toxic relationships?  Do I complain too much, and not take enough action to solve the riddles of my own life?  Why am I asking all of these questions?  Who do I expect to answer them?  Granted, input from others is always helpful, but I am the one who needs to settle on the final word.  The yes or no, the lets find out.  I have that maternal instinct.  I am a healer, I am a light worker.  Naturally, I am drawn towards people who need my help.  I am the universes answer to their questions.  And for my questions, so far, the universe has risen to the occasion, and through one way or another, my needs have been met.  The universe knows that I have a need to be loved. So this pirate, she will be loved.

Toilet water is really cold.

Once again, the alarm went off at 6:30.  I hit the snooze every ten minutes until 8:30, each time saying NO I want to go back to sleep, because I know I was having an increadable dream that I cant remember any of.  I HATE that!  Dreams are so telling, and not remembering them is like trying to play solitare without the Aces.  You can still play the game, but your missing a crucial element.

Last night the water level in my toilet was unusually hight, so I called my Papa to see what it was I should do.  After following instruction, I have come to realize that the water in the tank of the toilet, is really fucking cold!  I think my hand almost got frost bite.  It was so cold it hurt, but by the time I woke up this morning, things had fixed themselves.  Thankfully.  Im not a plumber, I wouldnt have known what to do if it hadnt.

So, I am at a crossroads in my mind.  I have had several discussions, with several different people about the things we have to go through in order to make money, to life the kind of lifestyles we want.  But when it comes down to it, I would LOVE to be traveling around the world, taking pictures, meeting people, and just going wherever the wind takes me.  The fact of the matter is, it takes an insane amount of money to be able to afford that kind of lifestyle.  I can work hard now, save up money, and life that life later on, I can forget all about that dream and just life in the now, or I can see if there is some sort of comprimise.  I have come to realize that I dont like my job…. not in the least.  I track money of really really rich people, who can afford to be living as I would like to live, but instead focus on making more money, so that they can watch those numbers rise every month instead of getting out of their dark wood and leather offices and actually seeing the world.  It kind of drives me crazy!  So why am I doing it.  It pays my rent.  It buys my trashy vampire novels.  I pays for my frequent visite to CORC and whatever bar follows.  It supports my lifestyle that I have right now, whether or not it is the life I truely want to be living or not.   But that is a conversation to have with myself another time.

The fact of the matter is, I need my job.  I would be on the streets, or living back at home in california if it wasnt for my job.  So until I find something else that can support me, I guess I will just have to live with it.  And that as an alternative, sucks. 

speechless… literally

I am calm and tranquil for the first time in… oh a while.  Since it seems to really difficult to find something to write about today, I will take it as a sign that I have nothing that feels the absolute need to be voiced at the present moment.  To replace my usual, witticism and rantings, I have the following.

Random thought of the day!

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Unfortunate.

I posted the above, and then remember what wanted to mention.  My stalker paid me back the money I lent him, and with it came a six pack of Alaskan Amber Ale.  This does not mean I forgive you for using me, and I dont accept bribes as appologies…. but they help.  :)