Food is my friend… again

Really its a love hate relationship, but with the right ingredients, cooking and eating is so much fun!  All in moderation of course. 

If anyone knows of someone selling a bike, or air brush compressor… please let me know.  Im in the market for both of them.

I am toying with the idea of changing my school path to alternative medicine?? maybe.  I am really liking learnng the herbs.  I am super interested in learning other healthy and healing practices.  More research is needed, but im excited about it.

emotionless and productive

Maybe its the lack of sleep, the over stressing about work, too much unhealthy activity, who knows.  I woke up this morning, and was really apathetic to just about everything.  It concerned me for a moment, that I was not excited about anything for once.  Soon I didnt care that it concerned me anymore.  I think I’m just tired.  Sleep would be nice, but I have to work tomorrow.  LAME

So the choice is in motion.  I will be quitting my job soon.  I need to find other means of income, and health insurance first, but it will happen.  No ones best is good enough for the place I am at now, what kind of moral is that supposed to encourage?

These decisions came up today, while walking and thinking as usual.  Im not excited about it, Im not anxious about it.  I am pretty much just accepting that it is what it is.  Its not good, or bad.  It just is.

Rhiannon

You could have at lease warned me about what it would be that I would have to make a clear decision on.  That was just plain mean.

Yesterday was supposed to be my day to catch up.  Catch up on sleep, laundry, cleaning the apt, herb homework, and planning for my immediate future.  Did any of that happen? NO!  I woke up before my alarm because I had forgotten to close my blinds all the way the night before, and beautiful rays of sunshine were glaring at me through the half cracked blinds screaming WAKE UP!!!!!  Slightly annoyed by mother nature and her glorious rays, but mostly appretiative, I layed in bed for another 15 minutes going in circles in my head about whether or not I was going to go into work on my day off.  I knew I had alot of work to do, and if I didnt go in I would totally stress about it the next day…. but it was my day off… and I really didnt want to go in, I wanted to enjoy the beautiful day.  Since this is me we are talking about… what else was there to do?  I pulled a goddess card.  Well, Rhiannon came flying out of the deck before I had even finished shuffling.  “Make a clear decision” she said.  Make your intentions clear, and stand by what you choose.  Whichever your path is, you will be protected.

… OK, Il go to work.  Two hours into reconciling statements, and greatly annoyed by the bee that was continuously flying into the window right behind me, I cleaned up my desk and left.

Lunch at the cafe, the usual.  Bunny throwing stale bread at people, and launching chocolate muffins from a fork.  A wonderful walk to the Village Merchants, and back home, then on to the herb shop.

After sitting there for about an hour, I get a call from my mother, who at my request, took my cocker spaniel into the vet.  He was doing this wheezing cough, and thought he probably had fluid in his lungs.   Turns out, I was right.  She was calling to make sure I thought it was the right thing to put him down. Thank you Rhiannon. 

So yes, my puppy died.  I got him for my birthday when I was 9, he has been my best friend ever since.  I cried for a few minutes, pulled myself together enough to walk back inside, and then made cookies.

Sad ending to an otherwise not so bad day.  But I am focusing my intentions.  I realized that yes I can do it all, I just cant do it all at the same time.  Prioritizing is next on the list.

Because I am stuck at work

And my mind is ticking away, I am going to bullet point the notworthy thoughts of the day.

• I enjoy learning or just observing other people’s routines.  Knowing even the most minute details of such things factor into a multitude of other things. For instance, performing small thoughtful acts of kindness such as dropping by to see someone when you know they are working, or leaving a message when someone is in class so that they have something to smile about when they are out.
• Putting sliced Cucumber in a glass of ice water makes drinking your daily allotment of agua a delightful and elegant matter.
• I talked to my sister on the phone for over an hour yesterday, and not once did she sound bored or annoyed by me.  Progress.
• The power of human contact is infinite.  A high five in the hallway is better than a years worth of elevator small talk.
• These little red itchy bumps on the side of my pinky finger are driving me nuts!
• Leaving work is awesome.

Hah!

I just have to say that I have had shit thrown in my face left and right at work.  I will have all of my work done for fourth quarter before any one else.  So go right on ahead and tell me I cant socialize or sing to myself because Im not getting my work done.  Who’s stressing now?  Not me. *does a little dance*

I decided over the weekend that I am going to make Valentines for people this year.  There are quite a few people who I have to let know how much I appretiate having them in my life.  So while everyone else is moping around because they are single, or basking in the temporary glow of love and romance, I will be embracing truth and companionship.

Manic weekend? I think so.

A habit I picked up while at SDSU, my weekends generally begin on Thursday evenings, regardless of the fact that I still have to awaken and have a productive day the following morning.   SO!  After an intensely stressful, and scatterbrained day at work I dragged myself to the cafe, grateful for the couple hours of space I will have to just be, but not alone. I am mid way through a couple of really good books right now.  Any, I walked up to the door, and without looking inside, read the note on the door that stated they were closing at 6PM for a private party (it was 6:15), made a pathetically sad face  I am sure, and turned around to walk away.  Shortly after, the dreaded barista (i guess i will have to change his name since there are a few of them now… anyway you know who I mean) skipped out and greeted me with a hug and a “hi sweet pea” , one of his  almost flirtatious but not and really fucking adorable greetings that just make you beam inside.  After our short conversation about how I don’t know what I am doing this evening, and the private party was expecting like 150 people, I wandered over to the swing-set in the park and cried for a while.  I could not be indoors anymore so I wandered town for a couple of hours, frustrated and emotional.   The evening ended very pleasantly though.  Hookah, and bright hope for solutions to my issues.  My issues being that I need a man, someone to hold refuge space for me.  Not necessarily romantic, but definitely an intimate companionship.  I need to start dating again.

Friday!  Was a great day.  Work was its usual, but prospects are beginning to sprout for ways out of that job.  Possibilities at the herb show, allowing for school, and finding a new place to live when my lease is over.  I am programming for it, it is out in the universe, the universe knows I want it.   I also made plans to hang out with my co-worker/friend (male), and help him unpack and set up his new digs.   The evening ended with drinks at the Meridian after watching the cafe be swept and closed up.

Saturday AMAZING.  I went hiking in the gorge with two friends, outside of my comfort zone, and spectacular.  I stood feet away from roaring, powerful waterfall, and closed my eyes to feel the force of the spray on my face and whipping through my hair.  We ended the hike by basking out in the SUNLIGHT at the vista view point thingy.   It was so nice.  I finished the rest of the day by closing up the Herb shoppe, a treat as usual, and grocery shopping with my sag. companion.  I fell asleep reading Kusheils Dart, and as chance has it I had a fascinating dream and actually remembered it!  It has been so long

I am driving along townsgate between Gelsons and the Hyatt (in westlake village, CA for those who have no idea what I’m talking about), and I pull up next to this guy Garrett, whom I was friends with and crushed on in middle school and the first part of high school.  After freshman year, he transfered schools and I havent seen him again since.  He was in this company truck, a pesticide company, with two buddies of his, and when we saw each other and waved, he then pulled into the parking lot of the Hyatt to talk.  I pulled in after him, but  when the perspective changed in my dream, I was no long driving but riding a bike instead.  I rode right past his truck, crashed into this small black pick up that was parked a few cars down, flipped over the handles and landed in the bed of the truck, laughing the whole time.  I got up like nothing happened, as he was walking towards me and the conversation went something like this.

me- what happened to you!? you dissapeared.  him- (something like this) No I didnt, you just didnt see me anymore, or you never called me.

With an awkward goodbye, I walked into no the Hyatt, but a movie theater.  I was sitting there with Wise Goddess (who was intensly focused on something in her head), when he came up and sat next to me.  I said something like I missed you, and leaned in to give him a hug, staying snuggles under his arm, with my head on his shoulder.  As the movie started, he leaned in closer, smelling my hair and was eventually a fraction of a centimeter from my own face.  I then got very conscious of the fact that my lips were chapped, knowing that he was about to kiss me.  It didnt stop him, and they really werent chapped, I just though they were.    Immediately after, scene change to some Rothman family gathering, Garret was no longer Garret, but my Uncle Arthur who passed away a few years ago very suddenly from an annurism.  He and I were very close.  Anyway, I knew it was him when my dreaming mind looked at him, but me in my dream knew him as my companion.  He was just being introduced to my family, and I was sitting on his lap on a rocking chair, very cuddly.  My aunt (whom he was married to) leaned over to us and said to me “Is this your crystal?” refering to my Uncle.  I smiled and nodded.  The evening progressed as they usually do, being entertained by my little cousins, and eating.  Thats what I remember of the dream….. I cant even begin to break it down yet. 

Sunday  I walked into the cafe, ordered breakfast which bunny made delisious as usual.  Exnat came in with two ladies, ordered, and came closed to my table to grab straws from the straw holder.  He glanced over at me, gave a hurt half of a smile and slight wave to me, and returned to his table guests.  OUCH!  It tried to ignore them, read and enjoy my meal but I couldnt.  I notice everytime one of them laughed, or Bunny came over to talk to them, and it hurt.  Finally I walked up to Bunny at the counter and asked for a box, told him that for various reason I could no longer sit here.  He took my hands, and very reassuringly said he understood, suggested other places to go and we said goodbye.  That almost started more waterworks.  I can begin to express how thankful I am for his sincerity and kindness to me.  So I left the cafe, visited my Co-worker/friend and helped him unpack, and folded his laundry for him….  I closed up the herb shop again tonight, make my first herbal concaultion for sleep aid, and am now sipping it while finishing up writing.  We shall see how it works out, but this gig is going to be so awesome for me.

Tomorrow, yet another work day, but I get to make valentines when I get home!

I might have a flawed Cranium.

While in the process of arguing with myself today about a million things at once, I came to the conclusion that I have the internal dialogue of an abused, sort of patheticly manic creature, with random outbursts of typical anorexic/bulemic discipline or lack there of, pure genious and intelligence, spineless coward, and warroir woman all rolled into one.  Not to be confused with my archetypes, as this internal dialogue rarely produces much more than a whim of a thought, and on the rare occasion sudden epiphany.  If I were to speak aloud, the things that roll around in my mind, even while it is seemingly occupied, I would be commited to the closest secure lockdown fascility.  You know those people you see, sort of rocking back and forth, wide eyed blank stare,  vocalizing every thought that occurs in their mixed up brains to the point where you can see the sparatic thought patterns and total randomness?  Well imagine one of those inside my head, and you will have had a glimpse of what goes on in there.

If I were outside of my bode, perhaps someone else, I would be amazed at how I manage to pull myself together daily and carry on with life.  But I do, mainly because there is no other option for me.  But with all things considered, it is understandable that every once in a while we break down and resort to animalistic instincts to control our emotions and behaviors, because we have no more self control or will power left in us.   

So I guess I am not so flawed after all, I am just out of energy for restraint.

Victim in the 12th house.

I have had this going in the back of my mind all day.

You know when you are subconsiously focusing on something, you start to see it everywhere?  For instance, if you are thinking about how much you love the color blue, you will start seeing blue things all over the place.  The same goes for behaviors.  Wise goddes assisted me in placing my final 12 archetypes into a wheel.  The Victim landed in the 12th house, meaning subconsious.  So it kind of threw me off at first, and I was thinking about it all night.  My initial reaction was… I dont victimize myself, thats a bunch of hooey!  After listening to the explanation of what the possibilities were, it didnt seem so far fetched.  It deffinitely makes me uncomfortable.  Doing destructive things, being unaware of not only doing them but what the cause and effect patterns are from it is not something I can sleep easy with.

Anyway, this has been kind of mulling over in the back of my mind all day, and sure enough, little things start to crawl out of the woodworks.  Think crazy davey jones mulluskian pirates emerging from the framework of that masterful ghostship.  The first thing I notice was how quickly I jump up to ask someone for help, or to answer a question.  These are all things that if I did a little research myself, can come very close if not dead on to the answer itself.  My initial reaction is.. Uh oh, this isnt working.  I dont know why and cant figure it out.  I dont know enough.  Why does this always happen?  Well today was no different, and then came the *alarm*  Wait a minute…. thats what she was saying!   I wonder why “I cant do this” is the first thing that comes to mind when something tricky comes up.  I like challanges, they are exciting, and I can prove to myself continuously that yes, I can do it.  But that initial I cant is still there.

Perhaps I need to attack the subconscious in the subconscious.  Tonight I will go to sleep listening to Casey Junior, and experiment to see if I wake up saying I think I can, I think I can.

Full moon eclipse on Feb 20th

FYI

I got home from work today, desperate to forget about how behind I am.  So what is the first thing I do when I get home?  Open the refidgerator naturally.  The difference this time was I have a fridge full of fresh produce from New Seasons.  I got all excited and wanted to cook!…. buuuttt the sink was full of dirty dishes, so I had to do that first.  Aaannndd the trash cans were all full, so I had to take those out.  That all seemed like a really daunting task at the time, so what did I do?  I grabbed a book, pad of paper, and my bag and went to the cafe.  Two cups of coffee, and my list of 12 archetypes later, I returned home ready to clean.  When cleaning was done, I had to decide what to make.  Which was difficult becuase some things would go bad faster than others if they dont get used, but others are easier to make various things with.

Here is what came of it all.

Red chard and sugar snap peas, sauteed with diced tomato, garlic, mushrooms and bacon.

Lemon pesto chicken skewers grilled on the george forman

And a tasty beverage comprised of Pomegranite Izze and Mango juice.

This is what we call living royally, within our means.  Which is necessary, especially after the $30 worth of sushi consumed on Sunday.  We are letting Amex worry about that right now though.

Now onto the good stuff!  Archetypes, in no particular order.

1. Magical Child – The part of us that is both enchanted and enchanting.  The potential to see beauty in all things.

2. Fool/Court Jester - Since no one can take a fool seriously at the physical level, he is allowed into  the most powerful of circles.  While entertaining the king with foolish behaviour, he is actually communicating messages the King trusts

3. Companion – Loyalty, tenacity, unselfishness, provides emotional rather than sexual support. Platonic or friendship bonds.

4. Damsel – always beautiful, vulnerable and in need of rescuing.  Must learn empowerment.  Fear of going it alone causes unnesessary dependance.

5. Student (possibly Dilattant) – Student – constant learning, openness to absorbing new information as an essential part of ones well-being. Absence of mastery in any one thing, but instead a continual persuit of intellectual developement.  Dilattant – Jack of all trades, master of none.

6. Lover – exhibits great passion and devotion

7. Mother – life-giver, source of nuturing and nourishment, unconditional fountain of love, patience, devotion, caring and unselfish acts.  Keeper and protector of life.  Recognized as power of compassion, and endless capacity to forgiver her “children” whomever they may be, and put them before herself.

8. Pioneer – called discover and explore new lands, whether internal or external. Passion to explore.

9. Pirate – Freedom, the ability to strike for it if necessary.  Search for our own spiritual gold.

10. Servant – Spiritual path is one of service to others. Engages aspects of our psyche that call us to make ourselves available to others for the benefit and enhancement of their lives.   

11. Healer – Passion to serve others in the form of repairing mind, body and spirit.  Able to inspire others to release their painful histories or make changes in their lives that redirect the course of their future.  Inherent strength and ability to assist people in transforming their pain into a healing progress, as well has having the “wiring” to channel the energy needed to generate physical or emotional change.

12. Judge – Natural mediator involved in interventions between people, commitment to lead a life with high standards related to justice and wisdom, as well as the manner in which you interact with other people.  Suffer from having been misjudged, process of learning forgivness.  Destructive criticism.

I dont fully understand how to apply these to the wheels, connecting them to the 12 houses, the zodiac signs and the chakras.

Any input?  Please voice it.

Im sorry, but I don’t dance for money.

Wow, was this an interresting weekend. It went from serene, and beautiful, to debaucherous and entertaining, to spontaneous and fulfilling.  The opening of the herb shop went surprisingly well.   I recieved a text message later on in the evening “Thank you my dear friend for all of your support, your amazing!  The grand opeing was a tremendous success!  I just wanted to say how impressed I am by your jumping right in and working yourbutt off.  I truely TRULY could not have dont it without you. I luv you bunches !”

That made me feel really really good.  I was completely in my element, and having a great time too.  My friends came to visit and support, and it was a really special day.  I wish so much that being in the shop, running it etc, could be my career.  I am hoping it will do well enough that she can start paying people.  Also, she has a living space opening up.  I know she wants me to move into it.  My lease isnt up until June.  Can things work out?  I dont know.  Its possible my Landlords are trying to sell the house I live in, and might let me out of my lease early.  Its possible she wont be able to fill the space by then and it will still be open for me.  It is possible that the universe knows whats best, and if it was truely ment to be, it will be!  If that were the case, I could trade rent for work and get a part time job elsewhere for spending money.  I think I would be satisfied with that life choice, and probably a lot happier.  I would also have free range of schedule, I could breathe easier about going to school, I could qualifiy for federal aid.  There is an entire range of possiblities that could come of it.  Maybe herbs are my answer to finishing up my weightloss, and body image problem.  Or at least part of the physical solution. 

There is a new agenda on board.  It is time to find places to go, new and exciting.  It is time to get out more often, meet new people, accept the possibility of chance encounters, and keep things new and exciting (within reason).  At the same time, I am saving money…. it might be tough to arrange, but it is important and so it has to be.

Goodnight!