Can you illuminate your beauty?

Well…. You must recognize its there first I suppose.  But natural beauty illuminates itself when contained in the heart of a happy person.  A truely happy person will glow from the inside out.  They turn heads wherever they go because of the energy radiating from them.  This person is complete in mind, body, and spirit, and unfortunately all but extinct these days.

But! In my head, in my own utopia, that person is me.  And right now, I could light up the sky.

Lets take it from the top!

Last night was ErintheAngels birthday.  We were sitting out on the porch with WiseGoddessAthena talking about our many epiphanies we have had in the past few days.

It was kind of amazing just sitting there and listen as the three of us all came to the same conclusions about all of our three completely different life situations.

 

We have all realized that the slate has been wiped clean.  We are free to do whatever we want!  The excess baggage that has bound us and cemented us to the floor has been cut loose and we are free to fly easy into the next era.

 

It feels pretty fantastic.

The opening.

I couldnt open it.  I couldnt find the latch, the lock.

Whatever mechanism was required to open these sacred doors.

It was hidden from me, or maybe I was just to blinded by anger to find it.

Angry at myself for the lack of compassion I held for anything.

Lack of compassion held primarily for myself, and in return, a hatred towards everything around.

Thing began to change.  Massive transformation.  A self-renaissance, a rebirth.

I knew there were such capablilities, enormous amounts of space in my heart, and in my head to hold love and compassion for anyone in need of it.  The potenital was there, the want was there, but I was unable to see the need.

Too stuck in the mindset that what I had to offer would be of no use or wanted by anyone else.

How foolish I was!  How selfish and rediculous it was of me to have wasted so much time and energy unable to beleive in my own self worth.  How many people had I looked past, people reaching out to me for compassion, for a confirmation of their own worth? 

This had to change.  I had to find a way to be able to open the channels of my heart.  I had had enough of empty hugs, of spending nights lying next to someone, unable to care who it was as long as it was a warm body, or wishing it was someone else.

I struggled, and struggled and waited, and then one day it happend.

 I was having coffee with a dear friend of mine.  We were talking about how frustrated and confused she was with her situations.  She was telling me how she did not know what to do and that she was beginning to doubt herself and her beliefs.  When she got up to leave we hugged.  I wanted so badly at that very moment for her to be able to jump into my heart, so she could feel how much I loved her, how amazing of a person I think she is.  I wanted her to feel that my compassion for her could do nothing but grow.

And WHOOSH, it opened.  My heart opened its doors and surrounded her with white light, with a love that requested nothing in return but acceptance. We sat there, locked in that embrace crying for what seemed like minutes, feeling like there was nothing else in the world but the exchanging of our energies at that time.

I have a lot of friends, and we are all hugging people.  It has been like that each and every time since.  I have harnessed the crying factor, but everything else remains the same.

I am growing into the very large shoes, built for the healer that I will eventually be.

Such a wonderful weekend!

I really and truly adore and am so grateful for my friends, and the family they have helped me create for myself.  Thank you guys  so much!

Floating on similar wave lengths.

A 9 hour day after 5 11 hour days, I must do something else while I am at work.  Something completely unrelated to work.

I know I was not put on this planet to sit at a desk, or answer phone for 11 hours a day.  That is not my purpose.  I am a healer.  I am here to heal people.  I dont know if it is in the physical sense, as in I am to become a doctor (which I could).  I am leaning towards emotions.  That is already my strong point, emotional healing.  Or even physical healing by using or manipulating emotions.

The Jack Johnson Song Angel, he says the following.

“I’ve got an angel
She doesn’t wear any wings
She wears a heart that could melt my own
She wears a smile that could make me want to sing
She gives me presents
With her presence alone
She gives me everything I could wish for
She gives me kisses on the lips just for coming home

She can make angels
I’ve seen it with my own eyes
You got to be careful when you you’ve got good love
Cause them angels will just keep on multiplying

You’re so busy changing the world
Just one smile can change all of mine
We share the same soul”

Thats it.  That is my job.  So when I seem concerned that people dont like me, its not me being full of myself.  I am not saying that everyone has to enjoy my company.  But when I come across those who dont, I feel like there is something that I am doing wrong, because its my job to help heal people by being in their lives.  I really would prefer for them to all be positive relationships.  Though I can understand why they cant be.  Some people need to learn lessons before they can heal.  I can be a catalyst for that.

OK God, I accept the job.  Thank you.

The floodgates have opened, I am free to recieve.

It starts out as nothing, an inkling or hunch.  The hunch turns into a ball, a cramp, a kink in the norm.

Hm, that’s strange.  What could it be?  I don’t know but it makes me feel…. funny.

Funny good, funny bad?  No.. neither, just funny.

The ball grows though.  Soon it becomes all encompassing. Desire.

Soon it burns within ever fiber of your being.

It makes your fingertips tingle, like a long awaited cigarette.

You stare off into space, wondering what your thinking about, where your soul just travelled to in the last 45 seconds of nothing.

Muscle memory snaps you back.  Your body tightens with the memory of touch.  A finger running along your jawline and down your neck.  The wall hard against your back, hands gripping through hair.

Now is not the time for such thoughts, people can see your eyes glaze over.  They can watch you drift through dimensions.

Its a fascinating sight to see.

Hello, remember me?

Has it been too long, have you forgotten?

You were, no are supposed to love me.  You have always loved everyone but me.

I don’t know what you mean.  I do love you.  Part of me loves you, all of me wants to.

That’s not good enough.  I see you every day you know.  I see how beautiful you have become.  I have watched you grow, and loved every minute of it.  I have watched you fall and have pained with you.  I have watched you heal and have been proud of you.  What have you done?  I see you try to love me.  I see you wake up everyday, dress, and walk out into the world with a smile and hope.  You look radiant.  I see how you effect others, how people enjoy your company.  I watch as people smile when they see you walk up.  I have felt the love in embraces other give to you, and the love you give in return to them.

But I also see you, afraid to look in the mirror some days, terrified of whether the woman you see staring back at you will be the same one you saw when last you looked.  I hear your thoughts when you question yourself, when you question those around you, when you judge.  You can be so cruel.  So unforgiving.  But you dont unleash that side of you on anyone but me.  Where is my share of that abundant love you are so generous with?  Sometimes I wish I could be inside those other people, just so I could know what if feels like to be loved by you.  It must be something worth while, they keep coming back for more.  It must be valuable.

Im trying.

Your trying I know.  I can feel it.  There is a warm and fuzzy feeling around the edges.  The inside must be magnificent.  Try harder.

Its been a long time. I miss you.

I have so much to say, and yet nothing to say at the same time.  I have known for quite some time now, in fact I have been talking to my closest cohorts for a few months, about how I knew that sometime in the near future there was to be this person.  This significant other being who would one day, and for no particular reason, walk into my mind first, and life second.  Someone who would remain involved for a very long time.  This is what I have been waiting for as recorded months ago.

 

A teacher, a pupil, a peer. 

One who breaks all set boundaries, who inspires and amazes.

Who says, your wrong and I love you.

One who thinks with his passion, and acts with his heart

and expects no less of me.

Seeks exploration in all things.  Lets explore our minds and though our minds, the world.

Feast off the gifts given, and in return food for thought.

Why else have we been given these vessels?

To pick out the ideal one and strive to achieve mimicry?

No no no

He will say, you are who you are.  And who you are is beautiful.

He will leave me reeling in thought and speechless.

Because of him, I can, I will be great.

The same will be true for him.

He wont say it, but I will know its time.

Stop living in potential.  Open doors are for walking through.

It is time.

 

Sometime soon, two people existing alone though surrounded by others,

A little rough around the edges.

When separate, they fit with nothing but,

At the right place, and right time, will fit together like two pieces of a puzzle.

The two become one, and become a foundation for something epic.

 

I like epic.