The opening.

I couldnt open it.  I couldnt find the latch, the lock.

Whatever mechanism was required to open these sacred doors.

It was hidden from me, or maybe I was just to blinded by anger to find it.

Angry at myself for the lack of compassion I held for anything.

Lack of compassion held primarily for myself, and in return, a hatred towards everything around.

Thing began to change.  Massive transformation.  A self-renaissance, a rebirth.

I knew there were such capablilities, enormous amounts of space in my heart, and in my head to hold love and compassion for anyone in need of it.  The potenital was there, the want was there, but I was unable to see the need.

Too stuck in the mindset that what I had to offer would be of no use or wanted by anyone else.

How foolish I was!  How selfish and rediculous it was of me to have wasted so much time and energy unable to beleive in my own self worth.  How many people had I looked past, people reaching out to me for compassion, for a confirmation of their own worth? 

This had to change.  I had to find a way to be able to open the channels of my heart.  I had had enough of empty hugs, of spending nights lying next to someone, unable to care who it was as long as it was a warm body, or wishing it was someone else.

I struggled, and struggled and waited, and then one day it happend.

 I was having coffee with a dear friend of mine.  We were talking about how frustrated and confused she was with her situations.  She was telling me how she did not know what to do and that she was beginning to doubt herself and her beliefs.  When she got up to leave we hugged.  I wanted so badly at that very moment for her to be able to jump into my heart, so she could feel how much I loved her, how amazing of a person I think she is.  I wanted her to feel that my compassion for her could do nothing but grow.

And WHOOSH, it opened.  My heart opened its doors and surrounded her with white light, with a love that requested nothing in return but acceptance. We sat there, locked in that embrace crying for what seemed like minutes, feeling like there was nothing else in the world but the exchanging of our energies at that time.

I have a lot of friends, and we are all hugging people.  It has been like that each and every time since.  I have harnessed the crying factor, but everything else remains the same.

I am growing into the very large shoes, built for the healer that I will eventually be.