Floating on similar wave lengths.

A 9 hour day after 5 11 hour days, I must do something else while I am at work.  Something completely unrelated to work.

I know I was not put on this planet to sit at a desk, or answer phone for 11 hours a day.  That is not my purpose.  I am a healer.  I am here to heal people.  I dont know if it is in the physical sense, as in I am to become a doctor (which I could).  I am leaning towards emotions.  That is already my strong point, emotional healing.  Or even physical healing by using or manipulating emotions.

The Jack Johnson Song Angel, he says the following.

“I’ve got an angel
She doesn’t wear any wings
She wears a heart that could melt my own
She wears a smile that could make me want to sing
She gives me presents
With her presence alone
She gives me everything I could wish for
She gives me kisses on the lips just for coming home

She can make angels
I’ve seen it with my own eyes
You got to be careful when you you’ve got good love
Cause them angels will just keep on multiplying

You’re so busy changing the world
Just one smile can change all of mine
We share the same soul”

Thats it.  That is my job.  So when I seem concerned that people dont like me, its not me being full of myself.  I am not saying that everyone has to enjoy my company.  But when I come across those who dont, I feel like there is something that I am doing wrong, because its my job to help heal people by being in their lives.  I really would prefer for them to all be positive relationships.  Though I can understand why they cant be.  Some people need to learn lessons before they can heal.  I can be a catalyst for that.

OK God, I accept the job.  Thank you.

The floodgates have opened, I am free to recieve.

It starts out as nothing, an inkling or hunch.  The hunch turns into a ball, a cramp, a kink in the norm.

Hm, that’s strange.  What could it be?  I don’t know but it makes me feel…. funny.

Funny good, funny bad?  No.. neither, just funny.

The ball grows though.  Soon it becomes all encompassing. Desire.

Soon it burns within ever fiber of your being.

It makes your fingertips tingle, like a long awaited cigarette.

You stare off into space, wondering what your thinking about, where your soul just travelled to in the last 45 seconds of nothing.

Muscle memory snaps you back.  Your body tightens with the memory of touch.  A finger running along your jawline and down your neck.  The wall hard against your back, hands gripping through hair.

Now is not the time for such thoughts, people can see your eyes glaze over.  They can watch you drift through dimensions.

Its a fascinating sight to see.

Hello, remember me?

Has it been too long, have you forgotten?

You were, no are supposed to love me.  You have always loved everyone but me.

I don’t know what you mean.  I do love you.  Part of me loves you, all of me wants to.

That’s not good enough.  I see you every day you know.  I see how beautiful you have become.  I have watched you grow, and loved every minute of it.  I have watched you fall and have pained with you.  I have watched you heal and have been proud of you.  What have you done?  I see you try to love me.  I see you wake up everyday, dress, and walk out into the world with a smile and hope.  You look radiant.  I see how you effect others, how people enjoy your company.  I watch as people smile when they see you walk up.  I have felt the love in embraces other give to you, and the love you give in return to them.

But I also see you, afraid to look in the mirror some days, terrified of whether the woman you see staring back at you will be the same one you saw when last you looked.  I hear your thoughts when you question yourself, when you question those around you, when you judge.  You can be so cruel.  So unforgiving.  But you dont unleash that side of you on anyone but me.  Where is my share of that abundant love you are so generous with?  Sometimes I wish I could be inside those other people, just so I could know what if feels like to be loved by you.  It must be something worth while, they keep coming back for more.  It must be valuable.

Im trying.

Your trying I know.  I can feel it.  There is a warm and fuzzy feeling around the edges.  The inside must be magnificent.  Try harder.

Its been a long time. I miss you.

I have so much to say, and yet nothing to say at the same time.  I have known for quite some time now, in fact I have been talking to my closest cohorts for a few months, about how I knew that sometime in the near future there was to be this person.  This significant other being who would one day, and for no particular reason, walk into my mind first, and life second.  Someone who would remain involved for a very long time.  This is what I have been waiting for as recorded months ago.

 

A teacher, a pupil, a peer. 

One who breaks all set boundaries, who inspires and amazes.

Who says, your wrong and I love you.

One who thinks with his passion, and acts with his heart

and expects no less of me.

Seeks exploration in all things.  Lets explore our minds and though our minds, the world.

Feast off the gifts given, and in return food for thought.

Why else have we been given these vessels?

To pick out the ideal one and strive to achieve mimicry?

No no no

He will say, you are who you are.  And who you are is beautiful.

He will leave me reeling in thought and speechless.

Because of him, I can, I will be great.

The same will be true for him.

He wont say it, but I will know its time.

Stop living in potential.  Open doors are for walking through.

It is time.

 

Sometime soon, two people existing alone though surrounded by others,

A little rough around the edges.

When separate, they fit with nothing but,

At the right place, and right time, will fit together like two pieces of a puzzle.

The two become one, and become a foundation for something epic.

 

I like epic.

Practice what you preach Lara

How is it that I am able to give great advice to other people, but cant seem to attack my own problems.  You know, it really should not be that difficult.  I know what I need to do.  I know how great the results will be, and that those results are exactly the outcome I want.  I can see the steps to do it, and even how to get started, but I havent done anything about it.  I know how to make people happy, and am excellent at cheering up people who are overwhelmed and frustrated, but am incapapable of doing the same thing for myself and I dont know why.  I know I am worth the effort, so what the hell?  What is so important that I continuously push these things to the back burner?   I keep searching for instant gratification instead of working for some real satisfaction.  Maybe something will be revealed to my consious mind this weekend at the Beltain celebration.  The answer is there, its just temporarily covered up.

Sunshine high

I had such a beautiful weekend, soaking in the rays.  When I was indoors, I was sleeping for the most part.  Otherwise I was outside, sitting, relaxing, played some bad minton, it was so much fun.  Now I am sitting in my dark office, I feel like I should be asleep.  Indoors = sleep

Through various conversations and readings with people this weekend, I have come away with some homework.  These are things I knew I had to work on before, but have now become more prevalent and pressing issues.  Things like, my lack of confidence in the solidity of my relationships with other people as well as confidence in my own power.  Things such as these.  Things that dont trouble me when I am around people, but pop up the minute I turn away from them.  Its really a pain in the ass.  I get so annoyed with myself sometimes for doing these things to myself.  GRRR.

To Kill a Mocking Bird

For the past three days, I have woken to the heinous squawking of what I can only guess is some sort of mocking bird.  They begin at the crack of dawn and will not cease!

Today as I was rising, eye twitching to the same sounds as the past few days, I had this fantastic vision of pulling the covers off to reveal a shot gun, caulking it back, firing out the window, waiting for that satisfying squeek and puff of feathers, and then turning over to go back to sleep.

Now, I haven’t read To Kill a Mocking Bird in quite sometime, so I cant seem to remember what the point of calling the book that was.  Was there something morally wrong about killing mocking birds?  If so, I must know what the consquences of my actions would be if my fantastic vision turned out to be prophetic.

Thank you Mental Floss

Question of the day is…

Why cant you tickle yourself?

“Much to the dismay of wacky masochist everywhere, the human brain is wired against self-tickling. Because the brain controls movement, it knows what your hand is going to do before you do it. Thus it anticipates the exact force, location, and speed of the tickle and uses that information to desensitize you to your own roving hands.

So why do we have a tickle response anyway? Turns out, it’s a defense reaction meant to alert our cave-dwelling ancestors to creepy crawlies that didn’t know their place, and the uncontrollable laughing fit that goes along with it is actually a panic response.

Even if you know someone else is about to go for your rib cage, it’s hard to turn the response off because a) your brain can’t anticipate exactly how and where they’ll tickle you and b) knowing someone is about to tickle you is usually enough to keep those panic receptors open and ready to go.”

This is important information.  I have alwasy wanted to know why you cant tickle yourself.  This is also in fact a lie, because call me a freak, but I can tickle myself… dont ask.

As I sit in my cage at work, listening to the instrumental soundtrack to Disney’s Cinderella (I’m sure my officemate loves me!) crunching away at numbers I ask myself…. why dont I work in a bakery somewhere making yummies all day, or at a doggie day care anymore playing with puppies all day.  Man, this is lame.

Who is good at editing resumes?  I need someone to help me look fabulous.

 

Oooh, see the monkey!

So, they moved my desk at work so that I am sharing an actual office with a co-worker on the 4th floor instead of the 5th floor with the rest of the cubicle gofers.  I can no longer see a window to the outside, however I face a window to the hallway.  Since the lights are not working correctly in the office, I have to leave the blinds open for the hallway lights and I feel like a zoo animal.  Everyone who walks by looks at what I’m doing.  On co-worker in particular likes to tap on the glass and make stupid sounds at me.  So I have decided that the next time this happens, I will act the part and throw things at him…

On the plus side, I can play music without needing head phones on, and my office mate does not mind if I sing or hum along.  This will be much better.

It is now time to travel on home and see if my roommate is still tripping balls on H.B Woodrose seeds, and try to have a little house meeting before my mother is in town. 

Speaking of home life.  Apparently my other dog (the one that did not die) has Leukemia.   The vet says anywhere from a day to 4 or 5 months, but who knows.  So I cried my eyes out at lunch.  This is supposed to be a good thing though.  Free WIll astrology says that I should cry and sob as much as possible this week, because the more I cry, the smarter I get.  Is this true?  We shall see, but Im off to a good start.  I shall be a genious by the time the week is up.

I think we will take a trip to the Humane society on Monday and see about adopting a Cat for the house.  Carm wants one for the herb shop, so maybe we can a twofer discount.

Goodness gracious, great balls of fire.

Yay! Lara is updating her blog.

While waiting for my report to run for the 6th time today, I thought I would take a moment and remove some things from my head.  Much like Dumbledore and the Pensieve.  Man I wish I had one of those.

My roomates and I threw a house warming party this weekend.  It was awesome, lots of people came.  As silly as it may sound, I feel like it all of those people showing up fulfilled my need for validation in my friendships.  I love my new apt, and my new roomates.  I love my window lined bedroom and hardwood floors.  There is nothing that doesnt feel right in the whole place.  Needless to say, there will be more soirees in the future.  I was slightely saddened that a few people didnt come though.  No Bunny or mrs Bunny, No wisegoddess (her mormons are in town), no Bobby Brady, and a few others who were too tired or busy or something of the sort. 

I started school again.  Im taking Spanish 203 which is second year third term.  We are not allowed to speak english in the class at all.  Its kind of intense, but I think it will be alright.  I just need to brush up on my vocabulary and practice more.

My attempt at quitting some not so healthy habits has failed miserably.  After a short breather, I will try again.  Then of course I get the Yoda in my brain saying, No, Do or do not. There is no try.  However I dont know if I CAN do, so Try is the best alternative at this point.  It has been the most debaucherous of weekends.  I am tisking myself as I type.

My Mommy will be here Friday night to visit for the weekend.  In her delightful ignorance (my mother is completely oblivious to the drug culture), she chose the 4/20 weekend to visit Portland, however I am still excited to see her and show her around all of my usual places.  I want to take her to the herb shop because she is very treatable.  We shall have dessert at Pix, and go to Saturday market and the Farmers market, AND there is a Pirate Scavenger Hunt on Hawthorne this Saturday, hosted by the Dollar Scholar.  Essential Elements will be a participating store so it should be lots of fun.  I never turn down the opportunity to dress like a pirate.  Speaking of Essential Elements!  I will be selling my yummy baked goods there on the weekends.  We have started vendor sales out on the patio on weekends, and so myself along with other artists, crafters, intuitive readers and such set up tables there.  We now have fantastic patio furniture, so you can enjoy your tea out in the sunshine.  We are also having a free concert this Saturday as well!! Its this great solo british guy.  I hope people come to check it out.

Hmmmm…. I have lots of work to do, so I think that is all for now.